Kevin Costner--What I've Learned

You can learn a lot more by what a man does than by what he says. I just watched how my father did things. He worked for the Southern California Edison company, and often when it stormed, the lines would go down. The phone would ring at two in the morning. And my mom, knowing that he'd been out working for two straight nights, would tell him, "I can say you're not back yet." And he'd say, "No, hand me the phone."

If you want a job, and you're not as good as the next guy, then work longer than the next guy. Work faster. Be there before him — because talented people show up late, and sometimes shit needs to get done.

People see me as very successful now. They aren't willing to put my life in reverse. They don't want to know that on the construction site I had to choose between the Ding Dongs and the chocolate milk. Every day the lunch truck came by when I was framing houses. I wanted the chocolate milk. But it cost more than the plain milk. So if I chose the chocolate milk, I didn't have enough money to get the Ding Dongs. If I have one carryover from those days, it's about food and having to choose based on money. Somebody I'm dining with will look at the menu and not be sure which of two entrées to order, and I'll say, "Why don't you try them both?"

I like the fat in life, not just the lean storytelling. I think the fat gets you through the winter. I love subplot. I love extra rabbit holes you can go down. Sometimes, if we give things time, they reveal themselves to us. Look, everyone has sat around the campfire and seen somebody talk too long and not get to the point, and there's this silent humph. But there are other people who talk around that campfire, and right at the end of their story it all ties together. And you think, My God, that was a story! And I needed to go to every place the storyteller took me to get the full impact.

If you're going to tear down a hero, you should never forget that you're tearing down someone else's hero. You're tearing down somebody else's son. You might have to face her one day.

You've got to understand. I'm a public-school guy. Sometimes you have to push somebody up against a chain-link fence if you feel they've done you wrong.

You have to try to dismiss the loudness of cynicism. It's certainly going to come.

Your dad knows everything. Then, somewhere along the line, you inherit that manner. Your kids think you know everything. And everybody ends up with this deep, dark secret that there are so many things you don't know.

I know what I know and it's not enough. I know that when I die, I'm going to miss a lot of great books and a lot of great music that I'll never hear. I'm going to miss seeing my children's children. I'll miss boyfriends and husbands who I'm going to be absolutely dependent on to treat my children with respect and grace, and take care of them and honor them. That's what I'm going to miss.

--Adapted from Esquire May 2012 issue

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A Season In Words by Dan Spainhour

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